It has to be said
Everyone and their mother has written something detailing the absurdity and frustration with gaming online and having to deal with borderline retarded children and their high-pitched, homophobic, racist, inane trash talking. I’ll make my little post here on the shorter side to spare my five readers the woes of reliving such online hell.
It’s always something, and maybe my memory is playing a trick on me, but I never really noticed it that much until I got my Xbox 360. I’m sure it was around when I was PC gaming, and I was probably one of the underage dildos furiously typing, “I just raped you, fag!” after sniping someone in the original Team Fortress on the 2fort4 map, but man is it everywhere these days. I think what first gets me is the fact that these kids are playing these games in the first place. You mostly encounter these problems in games like Halo or the Call of Duty series. I play IL-2 Sturmovik: Birds of Prey, a WWII flight combat sim, or Forza 3, and literally none of the trash talking exists. It’s a much more pleasant experience. I gotta say that this is why I’m a big fan of ESRP ratings and a real advocate of parents enforcing the rule. A twelve year old shouldn’t be playing Call of Duty, and he shouldn’t be online talking to me about it. However, if that keeps him out of the games that require more maturity to play, so be it. The last thing I want is some twerp going the wrong way around the race track singing Lady Gaga loudly in my ear. And then again, I started playing Doom when I was pretty damn young and as soon as Quake had a thriving online community I was apart of it, “pwning” and all. Was I really so different?
Ah, maybe it’s just a phase.
But what a fucking annoying phase! It was just yesterday when I was online playing Modern Warfare 2 (one of the magnets for such idiocy) and some punk, still in high school, for no reason started up with me. I don’t know what came over me, but I let this kid have it. He started with the usual “you’re gay” bullshit, the stuff that every sheltered weener thinks is the ultimate insult. I immediately retaliated with how much I’d love to meet him and how I think he’s funny and how I’d love to kiss him on the lips — to which he was repulsed. Then I called him a bigot. Then he said he didn’t know what that meant. I told him to look it up. He said he couldn’t because he was grounded from the Internet but was still allowed to be on the TV. I told him there are such things as books and that he should get educated. Then I completely pegged him. I said, “What are you, some backwards hat wearing redneck from Minnesota who’s favorite subject in school is ‘hockey’ and can’t wait to take a break from this game to put another wad of chewing tobacco in his mouth?”
Silence.
Then his friend goes, “Woah, creepy, how’d he know where you live?” Then the guy goes, “I don’t chew anymore.”
How’d I know it, you retard?! Because you’re a fucking stereotype, that’s why. And you haven’t had an original thought your entire life, so the next time you try and start shit with someone who’s a million times better at being human than you are at striving to be dirt, do yourself and everyone a favor and stop, load a nearby gun (of which I’m sure you own many), and blow your fucking brains out. Yeah. IRL (In Real Life, for any girls who are reading — ah, who am I kidding?).
GOD! Then I get even more mad that this needledick had caused me to get mad in the first place. I was completely happy until some scraggly-ass pushing-his-hardest-to-get-a-goatee-going shitmouth decided to prod me as if he’s the jock douchebag I was forced to grow up with. No no, not on my watch. So needless to say I ran circles around this kid until the match ended, after which he promptly left.
Why does it have to be this way? When my friend Pete Holmes and I play MW2 we do bits, we laugh, we joke around, and we include people as well. Pete’s best line was when one day we were playing Modern Warfare (the first) and on the map that’s raining he says, “Guys, cancel the game, it’s raining out.” Such a “dad” thing to say but so funny. Then some punk says, “shut up and play the game!” I’m sorry but if you had the balls to say that in real life you’d be punched in the face. Pete is like seven feet tall and although he’s very tame and pleasant he could put the serious hurt on most gentlemen.
A recent night of gaming consisted of me and my friend Matt Fisher forming the clan “WNBA” in MW2 and giving people nicknames, MVP awards, Most Improved, and generally being hilarious. One guy, who was a real trooper and clearly someone older than 8, started laughing and even chiming in. He started gunning for the awards we were dishing out, and we kept giving him things like “Most Likely To Be ID’d At A Bar Even Though He’s A Father Of Three”. Come on, that’s hilarious. He was laughing!
And yes, I know we can mute the people that can’t keep their blatant hatred for everything pure and good in check, but the point is we shouldn’t have to. I guess, all I really want, is for people to be kind and courteous to one another when they’re blowing each other away with rocket launchers and machine gun fire. Instead of “go fuck yourself, gaylord” why can’t it be “well played, sir”? In other games, in other genres and even in some select FPS genres, this type of gallantry exists, so why can’t it be instilled in the young ones that play the blockbusters? Can’t we all just get along?
I think the key to it all, and Andy take note, the key to it all is to instill gaming etiquette very early on. Instead of playing Mozart on the tummy of your pregnant wife, play the sounds of Modern Warfare 2 mixed with positive reinforcement quotes from Tony Robbins. Or at the very least, if you hear your kid screaming obscenities in the other room tell him to shut the fuck up and quit being such a faggot. Gays. Ew, right?
