Middleditch Littlebitch

Damn you, Warband!

GRrrrroooorrrg!

I can’t handle this game!  Mount and Blade: Warband is killing me.  So, the beta is available to the people who bought the original game, and the beta consists of multiplayer-only, and I am completely fucking terrible.  What happened?!?!  I thought I was good at video games.  I’ve never played a game where I’m so consistently owned every single time I come up against someone else.  There are tricks to that game, but I clearly don’t know them.  Each time I think I’ve grasped something, I try it out, and then get shown to be a bitch.  A real bitch.

WHYYY!!!?!??!  I want to be good.  I want to be a bad ass warrior and run in there with my sword, or axe, or spear, or mace, or any of the weapons, and kill everyone in my path.  When you kill someone, it’s so satisfying.  I want to best my opponents in melee combat!  But I can’t.  You look on YouTube and people are pulling off crazy stuff, and I just don’t know how they even think about doing that, because I literally run into the battle, raise my weapon to swing, and then I’m dead.

For anyone not knowing what I’m talking about, which is most likely everyone, I’m talking about losing it.  It being your golden touch.

When I was 15 or so, I played the original Team Fortress like a mutha fucka.  I was super good.  There was a local server in my hometown, and I would just be a sniper and take care of business every single day after school.  I remember taking up my sweet spot on this map 2Fort4 (know what I’m sayin’???) and headshots all day, baby!  2Fort4 was this map with two forts, essentially, and it was Capture The Flag, and you kept your flag in your fort, with the other team trying to get in and nab it.  There were two levels to the front of the fort, a higher one and a lower one, and I would even be able to peg people off in mid-air as they jumped from the higher level to the ground.  To me, that was my prime.  When you’re 15 to 18, should you choose to be a B student like myself, you can go to school and phone it in, then go home and play video games, and occasionally go out on the weekends.  That was my hayday.  Top of the score charts on any game I played.  Master of murder.  I think I went by some “intense” online nickname like General Haze.  Haha.

But I think that’s it.  I think because of the amount of time you can spend playing video games when you’re in high school, and the fact that you concentrate only on a few and get good at them, then you can be a master.  Nowadays, I spread myself too thin, across too many genres, and there’s also this pesky thing called real life that I have to deal with.  And you know what it’s turning me into?  A LITTLE BITCH!

DAMMIT!  If someone knows the ins and outs to M&B: Warband, let me know, because I need a guru, stat!  I need a sensai.  I need some training and a better internet connection.  I need a lot of things.  I…I…

someone: “He’s holding a thermal detonator!”

*everyone screams*